Ta Ta Ta Da! Adventures of RWMP I
LT: HELLO! HELLO! IS ANYONE THERE? Do you think anyone is there?
LM: How would I know? I can’t “see” anyone if that’s what you’re asking. The question you need to ask is, “Do you think they have received this email?” Which, by the way would be impossible until we send it.
LR: Well, I for one believe that it would be much more satisfying and fruitful to assume that someone is or will be there to receive this. Making that assumption, it would be prudent to add more substance to this missive so we can rest assured that “they”, whoever “they” are will be inclined to respond.
LT: His majesty gave me specific instructions. He pulled me aside and said, “Think of yourself on a boat, landing upon the shores of a new land. Behave appropriately.” I see myself walking from the long boat through the gentle surf, peering into the jungle, and saying,” HELLO! HELLO! IS ANYONE THERE? “
LM: You know my dear Toppin, I respect you beyond all measure. Your keen mind is able to transport you to places that others only dream of. But I feel that you may have missed the King’s intent. I believe he was speaking metaphorically. This small email is our ship upon the waters of the internet ocean and this new shore is a possible destination, destination being defined as a successful node of information, if you will, capable of transferring its information back to us.
LR: . Well said, Melville! Well said! I most heartily concur!
Sargent Major: Beggin your pardon sirrah! I dinna ken the lay of this land. How shall I deploy the troops?
LR: Dammit man! Have you not followed our conversation thus far? We are engaged in a debate which touches upon metaphysical precepts of unknown proportions!
Sargent Major: Beggin m’lord’s pardon but we be jawin in the open, as it were, givin yon rapscallions time to figure a plan of dastardly attack.
Lord Toppin: Of course, Sargent Major. Imagine a fallen palm tree there and deploy three of your best sharpshooters. Three others, belly down in the sand, there with overlapping fields of fire. Have the rest of the men at the ready.
Lord Melville: Though we be jawin, Sargent Major, we have not sent this email. They don’t even know we are here. So comes to light the first advantage of email communication. We maintain control as long as we have not hit the send key.
Sargent Major: I’d feel better, sirrah, if we dinna send this email atol. Then weese still in the boat and we can get prepared right proper.
Lord Toppin: I apologize to you Lord Melville and to you Lord Reesling and to you Sargent Major. I did not foresee the subtle difficulties that would face us. This has devolved into an unmanageable mess. Keystrokes down the drain as it were. By the Wet Tongue of the Most Holy of Schnoodles, we will do one right proper job of this, I swear! Back to the boat and delete this entire episode.
Lord Melville: Hear, hear!
Sargent Major: Most excellent your Excellency!
Lord Reesly: I’m sorry, but it just can’t be done.
Lord Melville: Why not? What do you mean?
Lord Reesly: You most succinctly stated the non-literal elements of this adventure. But in some instances to hold to his Majesty’s vision, we must assume or imagine literal “facts” to our figurative actions. Gentlemen, it pains me to say this, but say it I must. This missive, this email is our tracks in the sand. I cannot but imagine us now as having landed upon the imaginary beach, and as having stood around jawin, in our Sargent Major’s parlance. This I what we have done and our actions have made marks upon the sand.
Lord Melville: Just erase it and start again.
Lord Reesly: When in life have we ever been able to do over with no consequences? When have we ever had that power? I say never. What mere men can undo what has been done? The consequences follow the actions. To do otherwise would be to invite moral weakness into our mission. So if we must retire to our ship, we still must at the least leave our tracks for the natives to puzzle over, to perchance even solve.
Lord Melville: I see your point. We were here and this beginning is the best we can offer. So send it and deal with it like men!
Lord Toppin: I say, this is a bit thick! To the boat then. We shall see what our tracks mean to this land soon enough. If we are fortunate, we will be able to compensate for so sorry a beginning.
Sargent Major: Tis a sorrow to be the Wasp of Doom, sirrahs, but weese dinna have control once weese hit send.
Lord Toppin: True enough. Then we shall not leave just tracks in the sand, we shall leave our mark. Sargent Major! Unfurl the flag! Suitably anchor it against this damnable wind!
Sargent Major: Sirrah, yes sirrah! Corporal, unfurl the flag!
Corporal: Sir, yes sir! Trooper Smythe, unfurl the flag! Plant it by the fallen palm tree.
Trooper Smythe: What? Do you mean over there? That looks like a willow tree.
Corporal: His Lordship has told us that it is a fallen palm tree and a fallen palm tree it is. Get on with it lad, straight away.
Lord Toppin: Damn! We have no way to play our anthem.
Lord Reesling: Let me try. Sargent Major, do we have any bagpipers with us?
Sargent Major: Schmidt is a piper sirrah. Schmidt, front and center!
Corporal: Schmidt, front and center!
Schmidt: Front and center, sir! Trooper Schmidt reporting sir!
Lord Reesly: Can you play our nation’s anthem?
Trooper Schmidt: I know it sir. How do I play it?
Lord Reesly: Thusly….[Sounds of Bagpipes Playing]
Trooper Schmidt: Yes sir. [Sounds of Bagpipes Playing Nation’s Anthem]
Lord Reesly: [Silence as the last notes fade.]
Lord Melville: I must say Reesly, you really have a knack for this.
Lord Reesly: Thank you.
Lord Toppin: Where’s the flag? I don’t see the flag! Sargent Major, where is our flag!
Sargent Major: Corporal, where is the flag?
Corporal: Trooper Smythe, where is the flag?
Trooper Smythe: Sorry, sir but there was no flag in our flash drive.
Lord Toppin: No flag in our flash drive? No flag in our flash drive? Are you barfing me? We are representing our country in what may well be the greatest moment in our history in the last hundred years, and no one thought to pack the flag? What a clusterspit! What a farce! We just played our nation’s anthem to a palm tree! A fallen palm tree no less! Oh how solemn and special this is turning out to be! Why don’t you just rub sand in my eyes. Jab me with sharp pointed sticks! Put me out of my misery.
Lord Melville: Calm down Toppin. It may be in one of the other flash drives.
Lord Toppin: Oh, how convenient! In one of the other flash drives. Sure, that sounds reasonable. But as Leader of the Expedition, I double checked the other flash drives. Do you know what’s not there? The flag is not there. There is no flag on the other flash drives. What other things aren’t there? I don’t know but I do know that I have no flag. I figure that a flag is a basic item of supply, along with our banners, bugles, trumpets, red carpet, folding chairs, coolers, volley ball net. Just who in the hell is our quartermaster? I want a full report.
Lord Melville: I understand you completely, Toppin. But think on this. These annoying set backs are just Our Lady’s Blessing on our undertaking. We have received a sign, or several signs that the forces of the universe have noticed our noble quest. SNAFU. Situation Normal, All F*cked Up. FUBAR, F*cked Up Beyond All Recognition. TANSTAAFL. KISS. Don’t you see? Chaos equals Entropy. Entropy equals information. Information equals freedom. Freedom is only won in the arena of adversity. The greater our adversity, the greater our reward.
Lord Toppin: I just want a flag. Is it too much to ask for?
Lord Reesly: Come on old chap. Let’s go back to the boat. I think we have ice cream.
Lord Toppin: Do you think we have Spumoni? I love Spumoni.
[The Troops Retire to the Boat]
Lord Toppin: Oarsmen, oars down!
Lord Melville: Can’t we just use an outboard?
Lord Toppin: I want to do this in style. We shall do this in style. Oars on a longboat are more stylish than a stupid outboard. You want an outboard? You can’t have an outboard. I’m leading this and I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Oarsmen, oars down! Now ready the send key.
Sargent Major: Steady there. Steady. Wait for the order.
Lord Toppin: On my mark, 3,2,1 Send!
Sargent Major: Send!
LM: How would I know? I can’t “see” anyone if that’s what you’re asking. The question you need to ask is, “Do you think they have received this email?” Which, by the way would be impossible until we send it.
LR: Well, I for one believe that it would be much more satisfying and fruitful to assume that someone is or will be there to receive this. Making that assumption, it would be prudent to add more substance to this missive so we can rest assured that “they”, whoever “they” are will be inclined to respond.
LT: His majesty gave me specific instructions. He pulled me aside and said, “Think of yourself on a boat, landing upon the shores of a new land. Behave appropriately.” I see myself walking from the long boat through the gentle surf, peering into the jungle, and saying,” HELLO! HELLO! IS ANYONE THERE? “
LM: You know my dear Toppin, I respect you beyond all measure. Your keen mind is able to transport you to places that others only dream of. But I feel that you may have missed the King’s intent. I believe he was speaking metaphorically. This small email is our ship upon the waters of the internet ocean and this new shore is a possible destination, destination being defined as a successful node of information, if you will, capable of transferring its information back to us.
LR: . Well said, Melville! Well said! I most heartily concur!
Sargent Major: Beggin your pardon sirrah! I dinna ken the lay of this land. How shall I deploy the troops?
LR: Dammit man! Have you not followed our conversation thus far? We are engaged in a debate which touches upon metaphysical precepts of unknown proportions!
Sargent Major: Beggin m’lord’s pardon but we be jawin in the open, as it were, givin yon rapscallions time to figure a plan of dastardly attack.
Lord Toppin: Of course, Sargent Major. Imagine a fallen palm tree there and deploy three of your best sharpshooters. Three others, belly down in the sand, there with overlapping fields of fire. Have the rest of the men at the ready.
Lord Melville: Though we be jawin, Sargent Major, we have not sent this email. They don’t even know we are here. So comes to light the first advantage of email communication. We maintain control as long as we have not hit the send key.
Sargent Major: I’d feel better, sirrah, if we dinna send this email atol. Then weese still in the boat and we can get prepared right proper.
Lord Toppin: I apologize to you Lord Melville and to you Lord Reesling and to you Sargent Major. I did not foresee the subtle difficulties that would face us. This has devolved into an unmanageable mess. Keystrokes down the drain as it were. By the Wet Tongue of the Most Holy of Schnoodles, we will do one right proper job of this, I swear! Back to the boat and delete this entire episode.
Lord Melville: Hear, hear!
Sargent Major: Most excellent your Excellency!
Lord Reesly: I’m sorry, but it just can’t be done.
Lord Melville: Why not? What do you mean?
Lord Reesly: You most succinctly stated the non-literal elements of this adventure. But in some instances to hold to his Majesty’s vision, we must assume or imagine literal “facts” to our figurative actions. Gentlemen, it pains me to say this, but say it I must. This missive, this email is our tracks in the sand. I cannot but imagine us now as having landed upon the imaginary beach, and as having stood around jawin, in our Sargent Major’s parlance. This I what we have done and our actions have made marks upon the sand.
Lord Melville: Just erase it and start again.
Lord Reesly: When in life have we ever been able to do over with no consequences? When have we ever had that power? I say never. What mere men can undo what has been done? The consequences follow the actions. To do otherwise would be to invite moral weakness into our mission. So if we must retire to our ship, we still must at the least leave our tracks for the natives to puzzle over, to perchance even solve.
Lord Melville: I see your point. We were here and this beginning is the best we can offer. So send it and deal with it like men!
Lord Toppin: I say, this is a bit thick! To the boat then. We shall see what our tracks mean to this land soon enough. If we are fortunate, we will be able to compensate for so sorry a beginning.
Sargent Major: Tis a sorrow to be the Wasp of Doom, sirrahs, but weese dinna have control once weese hit send.
Lord Toppin: True enough. Then we shall not leave just tracks in the sand, we shall leave our mark. Sargent Major! Unfurl the flag! Suitably anchor it against this damnable wind!
Sargent Major: Sirrah, yes sirrah! Corporal, unfurl the flag!
Corporal: Sir, yes sir! Trooper Smythe, unfurl the flag! Plant it by the fallen palm tree.
Trooper Smythe: What? Do you mean over there? That looks like a willow tree.
Corporal: His Lordship has told us that it is a fallen palm tree and a fallen palm tree it is. Get on with it lad, straight away.
Lord Toppin: Damn! We have no way to play our anthem.
Lord Reesling: Let me try. Sargent Major, do we have any bagpipers with us?
Sargent Major: Schmidt is a piper sirrah. Schmidt, front and center!
Corporal: Schmidt, front and center!
Schmidt: Front and center, sir! Trooper Schmidt reporting sir!
Lord Reesly: Can you play our nation’s anthem?
Trooper Schmidt: I know it sir. How do I play it?
Lord Reesly: Thusly….[Sounds of Bagpipes Playing]
Trooper Schmidt: Yes sir. [Sounds of Bagpipes Playing Nation’s Anthem]
Lord Reesly: [Silence as the last notes fade.]
Lord Melville: I must say Reesly, you really have a knack for this.
Lord Reesly: Thank you.
Lord Toppin: Where’s the flag? I don’t see the flag! Sargent Major, where is our flag!
Sargent Major: Corporal, where is the flag?
Corporal: Trooper Smythe, where is the flag?
Trooper Smythe: Sorry, sir but there was no flag in our flash drive.
Lord Toppin: No flag in our flash drive? No flag in our flash drive? Are you barfing me? We are representing our country in what may well be the greatest moment in our history in the last hundred years, and no one thought to pack the flag? What a clusterspit! What a farce! We just played our nation’s anthem to a palm tree! A fallen palm tree no less! Oh how solemn and special this is turning out to be! Why don’t you just rub sand in my eyes. Jab me with sharp pointed sticks! Put me out of my misery.
Lord Melville: Calm down Toppin. It may be in one of the other flash drives.
Lord Toppin: Oh, how convenient! In one of the other flash drives. Sure, that sounds reasonable. But as Leader of the Expedition, I double checked the other flash drives. Do you know what’s not there? The flag is not there. There is no flag on the other flash drives. What other things aren’t there? I don’t know but I do know that I have no flag. I figure that a flag is a basic item of supply, along with our banners, bugles, trumpets, red carpet, folding chairs, coolers, volley ball net. Just who in the hell is our quartermaster? I want a full report.
Lord Melville: I understand you completely, Toppin. But think on this. These annoying set backs are just Our Lady’s Blessing on our undertaking. We have received a sign, or several signs that the forces of the universe have noticed our noble quest. SNAFU. Situation Normal, All F*cked Up. FUBAR, F*cked Up Beyond All Recognition. TANSTAAFL. KISS. Don’t you see? Chaos equals Entropy. Entropy equals information. Information equals freedom. Freedom is only won in the arena of adversity. The greater our adversity, the greater our reward.
Lord Toppin: I just want a flag. Is it too much to ask for?
Lord Reesly: Come on old chap. Let’s go back to the boat. I think we have ice cream.
Lord Toppin: Do you think we have Spumoni? I love Spumoni.
[The Troops Retire to the Boat]
Lord Toppin: Oarsmen, oars down!
Lord Melville: Can’t we just use an outboard?
Lord Toppin: I want to do this in style. We shall do this in style. Oars on a longboat are more stylish than a stupid outboard. You want an outboard? You can’t have an outboard. I’m leading this and I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Oarsmen, oars down! Now ready the send key.
Sargent Major: Steady there. Steady. Wait for the order.
Lord Toppin: On my mark, 3,2,1 Send!
Sargent Major: Send!